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Continued from Part 1.
In the darkest wake, I find strength. In this icy season of snows and sins, against the social torrents of others, I prevail. In an utterly mortal world, trudging and sloshing through heaping masses of clueless sodomites, I have awakened.
Time and time again have I happened upon saboteurs within our gay communities who find it their mission to wreak havoc and unravel the progress that we have worked so hard to make. Before me now stands yet another thoughtless cretin, whose hand brushes away all morality and respect, only for the sake of sexual gratification. Silas, the antagonist of what our community struggles to become, has smeared his odor across men who were partnered, men who are hurt by the unfaithful, and men who in their youth have yet to realize his heinous effect.
A New Face to Add
It was 2006, and Silas had entered the gay scene, and as a new and vulnerable man who shared my home state, I identified with him fairly well. I originally had hoped that Michigan was gentle on him— a luck that did not visit me in that land of churches and factories. One of his first encounters brought him out to San Francisco to pursue intimate relations with an acquaintance of mine. With ill regard, the short affair ended in a miserable failure which soured my opinion of Silas and cast doubts on his character.
Ejected from San Francisco, he began a promiscuous rampage, bouncing from one man to another in a perverted tour of city after city. Most appalingly, I realized the emerging pattern in less than one month: his tricks were all Asian. Three of these were also my acquaintances, all of whom confided with me. With each bearing of this kind of news, I lost all sympathy for Silas, and I stopped communicating with him. In a blatant and shameful way, Silas was fetishizing Asian men: targeting them, meeting up with them, and using them.
I had seriously underestimated the superficial and predictable nature of Silas. Likewise, I had discovered just how completely my impression of a graduate student could be turned. And by the end of the year, I was downright disgusted with this person who so deceived me behind a mask of religion and so-called values. Then this month, while I spoke with my friend Jay, a Chinese-Canadian, I learned that even he had some encounters with Silas. Jay was only a casual romantic interest of mine, yet Silas had tramped around with him as well.
Deplorable Behavior
At that point, I detected yet another pattern. This dug out an ugly truth that I learned last year about my Canadian friend Jay: Jay abuses drugs, though not as wickedly as in the past. I buried this truth and tried not to let it kill my feelings for him, but when he allowed Silas to tramp and trump him, this issue resurfaced. Furthermore, of the many Asians that Silas had been hooking in his grand taste-tour of North America, most of them were egregious drug abusers. I now suspect, though I cannot prove, that Silas has opened his own Pandora's box of illegal substances and was now stumbling down a path toward self-destruction.
In the months leading up to this revelation, I also discovered that as a blogger, Silas had sifted through my network of friends and readers on this site, picked out the Asians, and began dropping comments and flirting with them. Though everyone has the right to do what they choose in a free land such as this, there was one blogger whom he began corresponding with which made me take preventive measures to curb his appetite for young Asian men. Silas' new target was only seventeen (17) years old! This young man had mentioned that he looks to me as a big brother, and I have helped this talented hopeful with great potential and mentored him as he slowly enters this gnarly scene of ours. I specifically cautioned him against unscrupulous lizards who will delude him into believing they can offer the lasting relationship that he really, but in reality are there only to flirt, have sex, then continue onward to the next piece of meat.
At the same time, Silas began to flirt with this seventeen year old, in a sloppy and deplorable manner, for millions of people to see. Not only was this pitiful, but it was downright ILLEGAL. I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw that once again, Silas became the very vomitus of our gay society about which I was cautioning my young friend. Then without any direct influence on my part, this immoral behavior toward my friend magically ceased last week.
The Rancor
He uses his excuse of a "rough upringing" as his bait-and-switch for dropping the guard of his Asian toys. Not only have most of us also suffered a rough childhood which came close to destroying our lives, but his youthful plight is a saga that he has highly exaggerated. These patterns I've seen before, and Silas is certinaly not the first to enter our scene in such a seedy manner. But to continue to pollute our community by tramping and tricking to his heart's desire without regard for crushed feelings or monogamous vows of others is inexcusable, and such actions descecrate all of our attempts to make our gay relationships meaningful. To exacerbate this violation upon our community, sadly enough, I do not sense that he feels any regret or remorse for what he has done, and will continue to exploit a particular ethnic group as his personal cum dumpsters.
No matter our efforts at inoculating our community against the shallowness within, and no matter how effective we are at gaining credibility at large for our contributions to society, gays and lesbians will always be crippled and undone by the vulturous and unchecked actions of people such as Silas. Heterosexuals and family-oriented cultures will always focus on this satyriasis and drug abuse among us, while we toil and fight to squeeze out the tiny bit of dignity we can find in a world that does not yet accept us as the natural brothers and sisters that we really are.
Attraction and Drug Abuse
I am a man who finds all types of men attractive. As I have mentioned in the past, I find beauty and uniqueness in every ethnic group on the planet, including my own. I have dated a variety of these men, and I did not have to learn this, but merely I just had to open my mind and my heart to consider the beauty in everyone. The fact that I sear Silas' name for pursuing Asians to no end may seem contradictory, considering how I mentioned before that we humans cannot control our attraction. I do understand that we are unable to force feelings for people when there is no physical or emotional connection at all, but as a man who once found himself dating only Caucasian men, then selecting only African Americans for three years, then focusing only on Asian men for a few years, I can say that those pursuits of mine were simply flawed and unrefined. More than ever, I can find a genuine connection without regard for a specific ethnicity, height, age, or even income level for that matter.
I tenderly support my friends with interracial relationships, and I do have friends who tend to be attracted exclusively to a particular ethnic group, which is perfectly fine by me. Regardless, these friends without a doubt support and practice my beliefs about the respect and moderation that we should apply to each other through relationships and intimacy.
Trodding further into the sociology of our gay communities, I squall over the problem we face with drugs: My frosty opposition to drug abuse does not mean that I am judging others, but rather I just choose not to associate with anyone who abuses drugs, even occasionally. This hardline approach of mine has actually turned some of my acquaintances around who now thank me for my unwavering attack upon drug abuse and addiction in the gay community.
Afterword
These standards should not transfix you at all. I have been told more than once that I can be an intimidating figure when I take such a rigid stance such as this. Please trust me when I say that I do it to protect us. I am your loyal friend, so long as you are not another Silas. I am your sounding board, whenever this world nearly drives you off a cliff, as cruel and unforgiving as society may be. I am your mentor, if only you will take my heed— a fresh perspective on a world that most certinaly does hold promise for us.
And most importantly of all, I am your equal, whoever you may be.
Herbert Howells: Threnody for Cello and Orchestra (1935)
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(By Daniel Culveyhouse | No comments yet | comment here)
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Wedged within the dead of winter is a friendship— an intimate friendship— that has been poisoned and quashed. Such an unfortunate turn has befallen me before, and though I am largely immune to the personal effects of a falling out, nonetheless I write about the end of what was, and what could have been.
Jay and I met years ago in this fair city of mine, and we both realized the terrific fire in both of our hearts. We communicated it well, but also kept that passion at bay. He lived over 2,000 miles from me, one of many undesirables that both of us knew all to well, namely how hard it can be to nurture an intimacy with so much separation.
Single we both remained, year after year. But the affection and the feelings never disappeared. I kept a secret place in my heart for this graceful, handsome man, hoping to soon meet once again. Jay felt the same urge, yet our distance and our hectic schedules made a reunion very difficult. Yet we both knew that re-igniting that passion once again would result in a reborn intimacy, or perhaps even that rare chance at a true relationship.
Relationships, whether casual or strong, are a constant tug of war in our gay communities, and though some men are lucky enough to find his long-term soulmate, such bonds are constantly threatened by unscrupulous men who simply want some quick sex, recklessly jeopardizing their own relationship in some cases, or trashing a trick's relationship in other cases. While such promiscuity or infidelity is widespread in any culture or social group, gay communities have a particular problem with this.
I recently bore witness to a local acquaintance who was greatly hurt by "Silas," a man from my home state who entered his life, promised monogamy, then only weeks later, tramped around while leaving the guy puzzled and seared, trying to make sense of what had happened. Many of us who consoled him came to the same conclusion: This Silas was inexperienced and had little empathy for the people he was meeting.
Just several weeks ago, I spoke with my friend Jay. It turns out that he met Silas while he visited Jay's city. When he revealed that he began to date Silas, I sat and felt as if my attraction for Jay was being drained and ciphened with each word. As he talked more about how they met, and how they began to casually date, I immediately realized patterns developing in Silas' social behavior. By the time he explained these developments to me, I noticed something distinctly different: My attraction for Jay had vanished into thin air. Jay is slightly older (and wiser) than me, and hence I was shocked that he was so naive as to let himself date a man who represents one of the worst poisons of our gay community.
Jay didn't understand the way I was reacting, and I had to clarify. I revealed that this news just completely removed my feelings for him, something beyond my control. He reassured me that he was well aware of how Silas just came out, and how he probably viewed the whole continent as a big candy store of men— particular types of men. He also reinforced that he was not dating Silas, but rather only remaining friends. Nevertheless, Jay's blind physical attraction for a promiscuous 20-something just repelled me so much, that no more did I long for Jay, nor did I wish to try to visit him as I once did.
By the time I talked with him a week later, late in the evening, Silas had visited him again but also mentioned that he was "friends with him for now." This immediately sent red flags through my being. I sensed that Jay was attempting to feed the attraction of both of us, as well as juggling, savoring, and basking in the attention that both of us were giving. Jay did not accept the fact that my feelings for him had departed, so I bid Jay farewell, and he wished me a good night.
It was over. Silas, through both his reckless lust and his beguiling touch, had indirectly killed a fervor between Jay and me. As if I needed any proof, I just demonstrated once again that desire is something that we can hardly control. If humans had the innate ability to choose their attraction, I probably wouldn't have ended it this way.
Revelation...
Bittersweet enlightenment...
Oblivion.
I invite you to express yourself on unfaithfulness and promiscuity, as well as just how many people that this really affects. Don't be afraid to speak your mind on my story, pro or con. Chivalry and unconditional love are not dead, and I will always advocate the grand meaning of love, in the midst of a world where it has been virtually forgotten.
The second part of this threnody will not be so pleasant. I omitted many details from this story, but these much darker and uglier embers are what I will reveal next. If you can't stomach an unpleasant epilogue, then feel free to ignore the forthcoming entry.
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(By Daniel Culveyhouse | No comments yet | comment here)
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Speechless is her love, yet I felt it as I stood upon the bridge, waiting for her.
With a simple grace, she floated under me and onward toward her port,
Flanked by hundreds of others, swimming under her spell.
Exhalted is her name, and ever radiant is her heart.
She left today, but I am forever in love.
I share with you the Mother of the Sea, the Queen Mary 2.
Charles Koechin: Livre de la jungle:
Seal Lullaby
 | Blazing a Path for the Queen |
 | The Blue and Gold Fleet Prepares for the Queen |
 | A Fireboat Welcomes the Queen |
 | The Coast Guard Loves the Queen |
 | The Queen Mary 2 Emerges |
 | As Big as the Bridge Herself |
 | Behold, the World's Largest Cruise Ship |
 | In All Her Glory |
 | The Queen's Entourage |
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(By Daniel Culveyhouse | No comments yet | comment here)
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