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Wedged within the dead of winter is a friendship— an intimate friendship— that has been poisoned and quashed. Such an unfortunate turn has befallen me before, and though I am largely immune to the personal effects of a falling out, nonetheless I write about the end of what was, and what could have been.
Jay and I met years ago in this fair city of mine, and we both realized the terrific fire in both of our hearts. We communicated it well, but also kept that passion at bay. He lived over 2,000 miles from me, one of many undesirables that both of us knew all to well, namely how hard it can be to nurture an intimacy with so much separation.
Single we both remained, year after year. But the affection and the feelings never disappeared. I kept a secret place in my heart for this graceful, handsome man, hoping to soon meet once again. Jay felt the same urge, yet our distance and our hectic schedules made a reunion very difficult. Yet we both knew that re-igniting that passion once again would result in a reborn intimacy, or perhaps even that rare chance at a true relationship.
Relationships, whether casual or strong, are a constant tug of war in our gay communities, and though some men are lucky enough to find his long-term soulmate, such bonds are constantly threatened by unscrupulous men who simply want some quick sex, recklessly jeopardizing their own relationship in some cases, or trashing a trick's relationship in other cases. While such promiscuity or infidelity is widespread in any culture or social group, gay communities have a particular problem with this.
I recently bore witness to a local acquaintance who was greatly hurt by "Silas," a man from my home state who entered his life, promised monogamy, then only weeks later, tramped around while leaving the guy puzzled and seared, trying to make sense of what had happened. Many of us who consoled him came to the same conclusion: This Silas was inexperienced and had little empathy for the people he was meeting.
Just several weeks ago, I spoke with my friend Jay. It turns out that he met Silas while he visited Jay's city. When he revealed that he began to date Silas, I sat and felt as if my attraction for Jay was being drained and ciphened with each word. As he talked more about how they met, and how they began to casually date, I immediately realized patterns developing in Silas' social behavior. By the time he explained these developments to me, I noticed something distinctly different: My attraction for Jay had vanished into thin air. Jay is slightly older (and wiser) than me, and hence I was shocked that he was so naive as to let himself date a man who represents one of the worst poisons of our gay community.
Jay didn't understand the way I was reacting, and I had to clarify. I revealed that this news just completely removed my feelings for him, something beyond my control. He reassured me that he was well aware of how Silas just came out, and how he probably viewed the whole continent as a big candy store of men— particular types of men. He also reinforced that he was not dating Silas, but rather only remaining friends. Nevertheless, Jay's blind physical attraction for a promiscuous 20-something just repelled me so much, that no more did I long for Jay, nor did I wish to try to visit him as I once did.
By the time I talked with him a week later, late in the evening, Silas had visited him again but also mentioned that he was "friends with him for now." This immediately sent red flags through my being. I sensed that Jay was attempting to feed the attraction of both of us, as well as juggling, savoring, and basking in the attention that both of us were giving. Jay did not accept the fact that my feelings for him had departed, so I bid Jay farewell, and he wished me a good night.
It was over. Silas, through both his reckless lust and his beguiling touch, had indirectly killed a fervor between Jay and me. As if I needed any proof, I just demonstrated once again that desire is something that we can hardly control. If humans had the innate ability to choose their attraction, I probably wouldn't have ended it this way.
Revelation...
Bittersweet enlightenment...
Oblivion.
I invite you to express yourself on unfaithfulness and promiscuity, as well as just how many people that this really affects. Don't be afraid to speak your mind on my story, pro or con. Chivalry and unconditional love are not dead, and I will always advocate the grand meaning of love, in the midst of a world where it has been virtually forgotten.
The second part of this threnody will not be so pleasant. I omitted many details from this story, but these much darker and uglier embers are what I will reveal next. If you can't stomach an unpleasant epilogue, then feel free to ignore the forthcoming entry.
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